trite

i always wonder are The Smiths really be honest,

for the heavenly feelings of dead by your side.

because by only seeing you, i knew i don't need to die.

"Just like heaven", said The Cure.

but anyway poor The Cure,

cause they could only love on Friday,

while i'm in love with you everyday. 

oh, and when The Strokes told us all "Why Are Sundays So Depressing",

i feel pity for them.

because you're such a medication for my everyday depression.

oh God could somebody really help me?

because you really got me. 

i just can't quit, i love the feeling of it.

i guess i really don't know how to love,

but that was long story before i found you.

well i don't have much to figure out,

let me just speak this, 

through my own language & colors. 

blame to a feelings

no its not a love letter

or a nice poem that you should read while its raining.

its just..

words that might help.

if you feel sorry for everything that happens,

let me just calm you down.

loving back someone who loves you,

isn't your responsibility.

no matter how much they have the feelings for you,

no matter how long they stared at you,

no matter how they thought they understands you. 

because 

loving back someone who loves you,

isn't your responsibility.

well..

loving you,

is my choice.

life is a choices

and every choice has its own risks.

if the risks of loving you is

not being loved back,

that's fine, and not your fault.

its just the risks.

i don't blame you,

neither the feelings.

its just the risks,

and i'm taking the risks.

life is a choice,

you can choose to loving back someone that loves you with every piece of their hearts,

or not at all.

but once again, 

i swear its the last,

loving back someone who loves you,

isn't your responsibility.

<3

Day 30 : Write About What Do You Feel When You Write

 What i feel when i write is like..

coming back to the 10 year old me where life is fulled of books, writting stuff, and nothing else.

I miss the old me actually.

The me who spend my time with books.

The 'me' who only savings money for books to buy every weekend.

But, nevermind. Time flies. I'm not changing, i'm just growing up.

-

Oh, 

and.. 

what i feel when i write is like,

being honest to myself.

Being honest with every words i write or type.

Delivering something i can never speak to anyone else because to me, written words are louder than spoken words.

When i write i feel like i wanted more, and more. I wanted to tell people more without even saying things from my lips, i wanted to pour my soul without extremely knowing each others.

When i write i feel like my dreams is near. HAHAHA.

Because deep down inside my hearts all i wanted to be is just 2, musician & writer. That's all. That's my all time who i want to be, i guess. 

But, Bismillah, i'll make it come true 

sooner or later. 

<3

Day 29 : My goals for the future

There's so much goals in my life but at this age, i'm really afraid to expecting things. I let things happens. I do believe whether its a good or bad things, it will teach me things that is priceless. 

But, goals still be goals.

And actually, what kept coming in mind was my goals to go out from this dead-end city & country.

My goals is to continue my academic life in Wellington whenever it is, whether if i'm still single or already in a marriage life.  

My goals is to have a tiny studio to make my own music. A tiny room that no one won't be able to come in because that's a space made (only) for me. Yes, i'm selfish. But perhaps this is the only way i could find & be myself. :)

My goals is to have a homegarden with my husband soon. 

My goals is to became a vegan.

My goals is to live in a place where there's no signal there, a place that could make me forgot there's a thing named 'internet'. *ugh now i'm imagining heaven in mind

My goals is to have an art space.

My goals is to watch The 1975, BMTH, Sigur Ros, Coldplay's concert with my loved ones.

My goals is to see aurora before i die.

My goals is to go to Wellington, to have my master degree :')

My goals is to have a band, that the songs could make people tearfully in love.

My goals is to have a library that is only for me.

My goals is to create a poembook by me, for my forever life-time partner.

My goals is...

too big that i'm afraid it will always be goals.

:(

Day 28 : Write About Loving Someone

I thought loving someone is really hard.

I thought my heart wasn't opened since the day i decide to close my heart for anyone that want to came in.

But then i realized that its not like that.

I misinterpreted the definition of "loving someone".

Thank God,

i know where's the mistakes. 

Loving someone isn't always telling them you love 'em. You could just, act for them. Deliver your secret language. Well, perhaps.. if they love you too, they catch the language.

Loving someone isn't always about your each other favorite hue. But, its about showing all colors in you, whether its in a different color pallete or not. Well, perhaps.. if they love you too, you both will create your own color pallete, that's made, for two.

 Loving someone isn't always about putting their names on your bio Instagram, but it could be just quitely write their name deep down in your heart. Well, perhaps.. if they love you too, they give space inside their hearts that's only for you. 

Loving someone is...... not that hard.

You could just, show your own way of loving them. Doesn't mean you have to have them in your arms. Doesn't mean you have to hold their hands everyday. Doesn't mean you could be always in one room of talk, and room of mind. 

Loving someone is...... seeing their smile, knowing them happy for everything they've been reached. Loving someone is, watch them grow with or without you. Being happy for all the progress that they've been through. Watching them fly, and appreciate them for their existence. Watching them fall, and be there for their tears. Hug them whenever you can, but not forcing yourself to always beside them. 

Loving someone is being close to them without even touching them. Being there at their lowest or highest even only through prayer.

Loving someone....

is being happy for them, 

even you're not the reasons why.  

;)